It's about that time to finally write this blog post. I wont lie, I've been dreading it because I'll sound like I'm throwing myself a pity party no matter what... cause it's sad... but I am doing really well with the support of good family and friends.
First and foremost, I'm moving back to the US. I'll be in St. Louis until at least March if not indefinitely. I could say that it has everything to do with my grandmother recently being put in hospice care or wanting to be with my family but more than anything it has to do with my heart. The day after thanksgiving Rody and I decided to breakup. I wont lie, I'm still a bit angry about how things went down but we are speaking again and have decided to "take a break" and not breakup breakup. Apologies on both side have been made but regardless we have decided to just be friends for now. And in the meantime I realized how much I would have resented him for not being here with my family, especially my father, through this really really difficult time. And I might have resented him for Buenos Aires too, if I had not stepped back and really decided for myself that this is what I want to do. Regardless, the next step involves school, either here in STL or in Buenos Aires, as I'm taking the time to really think about what I want for my future instead of really focusing on the future of someone else. Luckily, he still wants to move forward and think about his future. He is still planing on school in Buenos Aires, and now with a lighter spirit because he's doing it for him not for me. He has not fallen down the rabbit hole as some predicted but instead has grown drastically. I feel luckily that I can and will always consider him at the very least my friend.
I dont really know why but I feel I also need to say a word about his mother. I'm deeply hurt and offended at the attacks she has made on my character and the attempts she continues to make to keep us apart even as just friends. From calling me cheap... to telling me that Rody had cheated... so much so that in moments of rage I've wanted to say horrible things. Sadly I know where it comes from and I feel sorry for her more than anything in the world. I keep praying for her, hoping that some day she too will be happy. And so I'm asking all of you to pray for not just me during this difficult time, but for her too. I cannot imagine what she is going through from already loosing one son to Buenos Aires and soon another, to questions and problems in her own relationship, and then finally the same sort treatment she gives me from not just one woman but many. I wish that she would open her heart to me and know that I've never wanted anything more than the best for her and her family. I may not always be the best person but I try to be the best I can and that's all I can do.
I have no regrets and that's the important thing. I feel blessed every day and not because I'm writing my blog and have to say that but because yesterday I made cupcakes with my father, held my grandmother's hand when she could not breath and was having a panic attack about dying, and tonight I'll be iceskating with my cuz... There is nothing in this world like unconditional love provided by your family, I hope to find one day a man that too loves me as my family loves me. Will Rodrigo be that person? I dont know... I have faith in God that everything will work out as it's meant to be...
LOVE YOU ALL!! BESOS
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Friday, December 5, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Home Again...Happy Thanksgiving
Hey everybody... I made it! Yes, that's right the KTB is in the States. That would be much more exciting if I was able to see everyone I would like to see. Sadly, I'll be in Lou the whole time doing family things but I am thinking of all of you and if you can, write a comment or send an email my way. Luckily, one Elho will be in St. Louis for the holiday and I cannot wait! But mostly I wanted to write a quick note about Thanksgiving and gratitude after reading a really great article about Maya Angelou.
She is quoted as saying, " I'm grateful for being here, for being able to think, for being able to see, for being able to taste, for appreciating love-- for knowing that it exists in a world so rife with vulgarity, with brutality and violence, and yet love exists. I'm grateful to know that it exists."
God gives us what we need, not always what we want. Whenever I find myself wishing things were a bit different, I remind myself of how lucky I am. This year has been tougher than usual with the passing of several people close to me (including one of the children), my rash and brutal decision to move to south america, heartache and now the hospitalization/hospice care of my grandmother. Each event deserves it's reverence and thoughtfulness and some more than others, however I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am in all aspects of my life.
Although my family is far away from me and I find myself missing them every day more and more, there was a time when I would not have cared. Now I get and send emails, phone calls and packages from thousands of miles away and as corny as it sounds find myself oddly close to my family, more so than in YEARS. It would seem ironic to some people that just as I now finally truly value and respect my family, I am not only far away but in some respects we are in crisis. The glue however abrupt, coarse and in your face funny will be passing and soon. Thanksgiving dinner has long been moved to my aunt's house but for me, this will be the first year without Tootie, my grams. As we prepare ourselves to let go of her, we find ourselves closer than ever. Laughing with aunts I thought I would never truly know... messaging with cousins I always thought way cooler than me. And being honest with a father about everything for the first time. I feel lucky because even if I'm crying or laughing in Paraguay, I share it with my family. I've gotten through some tough times with a call to mom or dad, an email to an uncle, and even a look at some family photos.
So this year, I'd like to take Thanksgiving to Thank God for my family--their support, their love, and their friendships. Hugs and kisses to you all!!
She is quoted as saying, " I'm grateful for being here, for being able to think, for being able to see, for being able to taste, for appreciating love-- for knowing that it exists in a world so rife with vulgarity, with brutality and violence, and yet love exists. I'm grateful to know that it exists."
God gives us what we need, not always what we want. Whenever I find myself wishing things were a bit different, I remind myself of how lucky I am. This year has been tougher than usual with the passing of several people close to me (including one of the children), my rash and brutal decision to move to south america, heartache and now the hospitalization/hospice care of my grandmother. Each event deserves it's reverence and thoughtfulness and some more than others, however I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am in all aspects of my life.
Although my family is far away from me and I find myself missing them every day more and more, there was a time when I would not have cared. Now I get and send emails, phone calls and packages from thousands of miles away and as corny as it sounds find myself oddly close to my family, more so than in YEARS. It would seem ironic to some people that just as I now finally truly value and respect my family, I am not only far away but in some respects we are in crisis. The glue however abrupt, coarse and in your face funny will be passing and soon. Thanksgiving dinner has long been moved to my aunt's house but for me, this will be the first year without Tootie, my grams. As we prepare ourselves to let go of her, we find ourselves closer than ever. Laughing with aunts I thought I would never truly know... messaging with cousins I always thought way cooler than me. And being honest with a father about everything for the first time. I feel lucky because even if I'm crying or laughing in Paraguay, I share it with my family. I've gotten through some tough times with a call to mom or dad, an email to an uncle, and even a look at some family photos.
So this year, I'd like to take Thanksgiving to Thank God for my family--their support, their love, and their friendships. Hugs and kisses to you all!!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Wedding Bells Part Deux
A number of people have suggested that I actually sit my ass down and write a book about my experiences in Paraguay. Some stories are just tooooo funny.... A great example of this would be the actual wedding... Rolando and Nancy (?) I'm pretty sure I could write a book just about that.
The day started off gray and warm meaning rain. I had made a hair appointment in my febil attempt at fitting in. However by midday I felt not just lazy but raindrops so that didnt happen. As usual we were running late. Rodi called his mom and she told him to be at the house, their's, at 6 for the shuttle to pick us up. That it was arriving AT SIX... and were we fighting again, she asked him. Of course we weren't, when was the last time we fought? (a while back) just slow asses.
We get to his house, after six, nearly running because of the rain. And nobody was ready. She had told Rodi 6 but the bus wouldnt be getting there till 7ish. He and I were dressed but drenched... Meaning that great hair do I didnt get but did myself was crap. And furthermore, I had gotten a hair cut on Friday and HATE my hair and how I did it for the wedding. At least his little brother was being pleasant, for once... (He spent the rest of the night calling Rodi a moron, almost getting into a physical fight with him, and moping in his chair... ). Now that he and I have basically no personal relationship what-so-ever (caused by a peeing couch incident and some lies he told his mom) I could already tell the wedding was going to be a blast... I really tried keeping a positive attitude...
What's great about any family are the comments... the your fat... your ugly or your stupid.... All masked in statements like you look like a rooster (to rodi about his hair). Or the dish at me about not ironing his shirt... (do I OWN an iron...NO! does it matter.. DOUBLE NO! hehe). I shrugged and said he looked fine. All these side comments are to be expected and to be honest I've grown to like them. Means that at some level I'm considered family.
What disappointed and frankly hurt my feelings was how I was treated by one of his cousins. Having spent a KICK ASS TIME in encarnacion with Victor last year, I was really excited to see Cindi again. To my dismay, she barely made the effort to say hi and then spent the evening trying to convince Rodrigo that he should dump me. I'm not kidding... in front of me, without respect, and very harshly. The snide looks reminded me of highschool... and what made it worse is that some of the other cousins seemed to jump on board. It became a joke to snap your fingers at Rodrigo (as if he was at my beacon call... those of you who know me or him or us... sigh...). It got so back that Rodri's mom called Cindi a malvata... (bad girl) but did not stop her from gossiping about us with Cindi while we danced. His dad finally yelled at her in the bus. EVERYBODY saw what was going on..... I cant help but relate this to my feelings about Paraguayan women and frankly his family.
Dont get me wrong, I am really lucky in that one of my best friends is Rodi's older brother. But what's sad is sometimes how family just does not get it. We come back from events like these and count the months till we move. And furthermore I think of my family, the men and women alike, who are so excited to meet Rodrigo some day. What I'm told is to ignore it, chalk it up to jealousy... all of it... but is that really an excuse?!?! My dad is jealous of Rodrigo but he would NEVER attack him... or say anything in front of him. What it really is is a lack of PERSONAL respect... and that's sadly not something that one lets go so easily. Luckily I'm not Paraguayan (aka confrontational) so I didnt yell at Cindi... but Rodrigo did... And frankly as my mom would point out, is it worth ruining your relationship with someone because of your own personal issues. (aka your own "issues" about monogamy, marriage and family... ) I'm not gonna lie, the women in the family that have the most problems with our relationship seem to have issues with theirs...
So what does a KTB do when reacting to sadness... she acts like a clown. (yea, I know third person.. deal with it...) So we danced... for hours.... laughing, joking, and having a great time.
And furthermore when we did get home and counted down the months, we found ourselves closer than before with a greater understanding of one another. Not only did he stand up for me but the conflict led to an almost all night discussion about family... his, mine... and what we might want for ours... If anything her plan... TOTALLY BACKFIRED... (that's what you get... explicative... ) That leaves katie laughing maniacally... MWUWUWUWUWUWhahahaWUWhAUha
The day started off gray and warm meaning rain. I had made a hair appointment in my febil attempt at fitting in. However by midday I felt not just lazy but raindrops so that didnt happen. As usual we were running late. Rodi called his mom and she told him to be at the house, their's, at 6 for the shuttle to pick us up. That it was arriving AT SIX... and were we fighting again, she asked him. Of course we weren't, when was the last time we fought? (a while back) just slow asses.
We get to his house, after six, nearly running because of the rain. And nobody was ready. She had told Rodi 6 but the bus wouldnt be getting there till 7ish. He and I were dressed but drenched... Meaning that great hair do I didnt get but did myself was crap. And furthermore, I had gotten a hair cut on Friday and HATE my hair and how I did it for the wedding. At least his little brother was being pleasant, for once... (He spent the rest of the night calling Rodi a moron, almost getting into a physical fight with him, and moping in his chair... ). Now that he and I have basically no personal relationship what-so-ever (caused by a peeing couch incident and some lies he told his mom) I could already tell the wedding was going to be a blast... I really tried keeping a positive attitude...
What's great about any family are the comments... the your fat... your ugly or your stupid.... All masked in statements like you look like a rooster (to rodi about his hair). Or the dish at me about not ironing his shirt... (do I OWN an iron...NO! does it matter.. DOUBLE NO! hehe). I shrugged and said he looked fine. All these side comments are to be expected and to be honest I've grown to like them. Means that at some level I'm considered family.
What disappointed and frankly hurt my feelings was how I was treated by one of his cousins. Having spent a KICK ASS TIME in encarnacion with Victor last year, I was really excited to see Cindi again. To my dismay, she barely made the effort to say hi and then spent the evening trying to convince Rodrigo that he should dump me. I'm not kidding... in front of me, without respect, and very harshly. The snide looks reminded me of highschool... and what made it worse is that some of the other cousins seemed to jump on board. It became a joke to snap your fingers at Rodrigo (as if he was at my beacon call... those of you who know me or him or us... sigh...). It got so back that Rodri's mom called Cindi a malvata... (bad girl) but did not stop her from gossiping about us with Cindi while we danced. His dad finally yelled at her in the bus. EVERYBODY saw what was going on..... I cant help but relate this to my feelings about Paraguayan women and frankly his family.
Dont get me wrong, I am really lucky in that one of my best friends is Rodi's older brother. But what's sad is sometimes how family just does not get it. We come back from events like these and count the months till we move. And furthermore I think of my family, the men and women alike, who are so excited to meet Rodrigo some day. What I'm told is to ignore it, chalk it up to jealousy... all of it... but is that really an excuse?!?! My dad is jealous of Rodrigo but he would NEVER attack him... or say anything in front of him. What it really is is a lack of PERSONAL respect... and that's sadly not something that one lets go so easily. Luckily I'm not Paraguayan (aka confrontational) so I didnt yell at Cindi... but Rodrigo did... And frankly as my mom would point out, is it worth ruining your relationship with someone because of your own personal issues. (aka your own "issues" about monogamy, marriage and family... ) I'm not gonna lie, the women in the family that have the most problems with our relationship seem to have issues with theirs...
So what does a KTB do when reacting to sadness... she acts like a clown. (yea, I know third person.. deal with it...) So we danced... for hours.... laughing, joking, and having a great time.
And furthermore when we did get home and counted down the months, we found ourselves closer than before with a greater understanding of one another. Not only did he stand up for me but the conflict led to an almost all night discussion about family... his, mine... and what we might want for ours... If anything her plan... TOTALLY BACKFIRED... (that's what you get... explicative... ) That leaves katie laughing maniacally... MWUWUWUWUWUWhahahaWUWhAUha
Friday, November 14, 2008
Wedding Bells...
...had ya scared for a min huh... No NOT MINE... jeje... You can pick yourself off the floor, NOW... jeje. This weekend one of Rodrigo's cousins is getting married and I find the whole thing a bit odd, strange... and rushed...
Rody told me about the wedding in July (preggers?? maybe... ;-) Which, not to spread family gossip on the internet (especially when it's not my fam), is not the only one taking place this year. Or so I've heard from the chismosos (you know who you are). Protection people JEESH! To add a bit of commentary on this front I think that it's a lot more common to marry the baby's daddy here than in the states. At least from my point of view. And honestly I dont think it's always the best decision.
Furthermore the rushed wedding atmosphere has led to some family feuding. OF COURSE! I love large families. I feel like I get the tv novela without having to pay for cable. Bride's side of the family seems a bit... how would you say it... CHEEP in all the wrong places. I cant tell you how long I talked with rodi's mom about the enormous cake etc but when it came down to the seating chart, there just wasnt going to be room for everyone. Having watched several brides struggle with numbers, I understand and sympathize with the suffering. HOWEVER, the entire groom's family was to be left out of the PAAARRTTTYYY. jeje...Luckily things have been financially sorted so I will get to eat my cake... yummy.
But this all brings up some interesting points about not marrying too young or more appropriately too RUSHED. Familia assistance when it comes to the big day is almost a necessity these days with thousands of dollars in a cake alone. And the push and pull that comes with that assistance I feel greatly depends on how much you put up for your own big day. Or that neighbor kid you hate will screech through your vows because your rents are friends with his rents. I'm not quite sure what where or who I would like at my wedding but what I do know is that the save the date card will not be arriving on your doorstep only three months before the big show. Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance (As my mother would shout). The pressure on this couple specifically is quite obvious... I really hope the happy day is happy... and not a dud or dramatic or regretted... When in doubt just sit there, wait a second...
That brings up the other unfortunate yet superficial side to a rushed wedding. If you dont give us, the guests, time to shop we're screwed. In my opinion, in the states, you dont need to wear anything fancy to a wedding. A nice skirt, summer dress, or pants and blouse are COMPLETELY acceptable. But once again, Katie was SHOT DOWN. I was informed recently that I should be wearing a long evening gown type thing (too bad I havent trucked the formal dresses down yet). This all happened while looking at bridal magazines with Rody's aunt and mom. Let's not even get started on the insinuations... So not only do I have to try and find a dress that appropriate (KEY PROBLEM) osea not too short or skanky but in minimal time. I have officially given up on the idea and am going with the cute skirt idea but I hope I'm not judged too harshly.
On a side note can I also point out that large family events in general freak me out. And that's with my OWN family. At least in my own family I know the dynamics... and who to avoid. When navigating a significant other's family it's like dodging land mines. I'm always worried about saying or doing the wrong thing. And what makes that even harder is that this time around I'm almost constantly reminded that I did, wore, said something COMPLETELY inappropriate. I think all would be well if my guide through the jungle wasnt the proverbial black (I dont give a fuck) sheep. They will and do love him anyway... I'm pretty much screwed. at least I asked about open bar so alvino and I will get drunk and be inappropriate together. :-) Just kidding... but I'll let you know how it goes.
Rody told me about the wedding in July (preggers?? maybe... ;-) Which, not to spread family gossip on the internet (especially when it's not my fam), is not the only one taking place this year. Or so I've heard from the chismosos (you know who you are). Protection people JEESH! To add a bit of commentary on this front I think that it's a lot more common to marry the baby's daddy here than in the states. At least from my point of view. And honestly I dont think it's always the best decision.
Furthermore the rushed wedding atmosphere has led to some family feuding. OF COURSE! I love large families. I feel like I get the tv novela without having to pay for cable. Bride's side of the family seems a bit... how would you say it... CHEEP in all the wrong places. I cant tell you how long I talked with rodi's mom about the enormous cake etc but when it came down to the seating chart, there just wasnt going to be room for everyone. Having watched several brides struggle with numbers, I understand and sympathize with the suffering. HOWEVER, the entire groom's family was to be left out of the PAAARRTTTYYY. jeje...Luckily things have been financially sorted so I will get to eat my cake... yummy.
But this all brings up some interesting points about not marrying too young or more appropriately too RUSHED. Familia assistance when it comes to the big day is almost a necessity these days with thousands of dollars in a cake alone. And the push and pull that comes with that assistance I feel greatly depends on how much you put up for your own big day. Or that neighbor kid you hate will screech through your vows because your rents are friends with his rents. I'm not quite sure what where or who I would like at my wedding but what I do know is that the save the date card will not be arriving on your doorstep only three months before the big show. Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance (As my mother would shout). The pressure on this couple specifically is quite obvious... I really hope the happy day is happy... and not a dud or dramatic or regretted... When in doubt just sit there, wait a second...
That brings up the other unfortunate yet superficial side to a rushed wedding. If you dont give us, the guests, time to shop we're screwed. In my opinion, in the states, you dont need to wear anything fancy to a wedding. A nice skirt, summer dress, or pants and blouse are COMPLETELY acceptable. But once again, Katie was SHOT DOWN. I was informed recently that I should be wearing a long evening gown type thing (too bad I havent trucked the formal dresses down yet). This all happened while looking at bridal magazines with Rody's aunt and mom. Let's not even get started on the insinuations... So not only do I have to try and find a dress that appropriate (KEY PROBLEM) osea not too short or skanky but in minimal time. I have officially given up on the idea and am going with the cute skirt idea but I hope I'm not judged too harshly.
On a side note can I also point out that large family events in general freak me out. And that's with my OWN family. At least in my own family I know the dynamics... and who to avoid. When navigating a significant other's family it's like dodging land mines. I'm always worried about saying or doing the wrong thing. And what makes that even harder is that this time around I'm almost constantly reminded that I did, wore, said something COMPLETELY inappropriate. I think all would be well if my guide through the jungle wasnt the proverbial black (I dont give a fuck) sheep. They will and do love him anyway... I'm pretty much screwed. at least I asked about open bar so alvino and I will get drunk and be inappropriate together. :-) Just kidding... but I'll let you know how it goes.
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